Reading this has basically derailed my morning in a good way (and omg, you're daughter's portrait); the daily boys report sort of slayed me. This is one of the clearest articulations about the space that boys (men) take up I've read -- it's such a subtle thing, I talk with so many women about how impossible it feels to make men understan…
Reading this has basically derailed my morning in a good way (and omg, you're daughter's portrait); the daily boys report sort of slayed me. This is one of the clearest articulations about the space that boys (men) take up I've read -- it's such a subtle thing, I talk with so many women about how impossible it feels to make men understand that part: the lack of friction, how that translates to a kind of blindness; the outsize space and the labor it demands of others to replicate ease.
I have three younger brothers and three older cousins who are like older brothers, I kind of got a ph'd in boys and the space they take...I grew up in a family that allows men take up wild amounts of space: sometimes angry and violent space. The women (not as many of us) mostly hold and tend that space. This is *so* not a unique dynamic, but in the context of a progressive political framework and culture, it's confusing, and like you're saying, maybe makes it harder to see? Or makes it harder for men to be in relationships of accountability.
I agree with Lee on emphasis on centering vs de-centering, the need for everyone to show up in an active voice. Because it's really accountability, right? Relationships are where accountability happens, as I've gotten older and learned to stop tending so much space, the thing that continues to vex me in the "how do we build the world we want?" is how to create relationships of accountability amidst the conundrum of masculinity.
Isn't it interesting how it IS both a subtle thing and yet (as you articulate so well in your own family story), it's immediately recognizable in every mixed gender space-- families, schools, workplaces-- subtle not because it's hidden, but because of its sheer omnipresence.
This comment was a real gift, so thanks for welcoming us into your deralled morning. It is about community and accountability-- the former meaning a space where we can all be, the latter meaning that we recognize that, across lines of power in particular, community doesn't mean "a space I get to be without thought and awareness."
Ohhh that last line is so helpful. A brilliant woman I know speaks of how whiteness is embodied in a deep resistance to discomfort, in more than simply a white fragility way, but in the sense that the most progressive among us might be limited to dreaming that everyone could feel the frictionlessness and unearned comfort of white men. When instead we need to dream that everyone has close enough relationships to feel trusted not despite, but through, accountability. (Separately - I adore your daughter’s planets dress!)
Reading this has basically derailed my morning in a good way (and omg, you're daughter's portrait); the daily boys report sort of slayed me. This is one of the clearest articulations about the space that boys (men) take up I've read -- it's such a subtle thing, I talk with so many women about how impossible it feels to make men understand that part: the lack of friction, how that translates to a kind of blindness; the outsize space and the labor it demands of others to replicate ease.
I have three younger brothers and three older cousins who are like older brothers, I kind of got a ph'd in boys and the space they take...I grew up in a family that allows men take up wild amounts of space: sometimes angry and violent space. The women (not as many of us) mostly hold and tend that space. This is *so* not a unique dynamic, but in the context of a progressive political framework and culture, it's confusing, and like you're saying, maybe makes it harder to see? Or makes it harder for men to be in relationships of accountability.
I agree with Lee on emphasis on centering vs de-centering, the need for everyone to show up in an active voice. Because it's really accountability, right? Relationships are where accountability happens, as I've gotten older and learned to stop tending so much space, the thing that continues to vex me in the "how do we build the world we want?" is how to create relationships of accountability amidst the conundrum of masculinity.
Isn't it interesting how it IS both a subtle thing and yet (as you articulate so well in your own family story), it's immediately recognizable in every mixed gender space-- families, schools, workplaces-- subtle not because it's hidden, but because of its sheer omnipresence.
This comment was a real gift, so thanks for welcoming us into your deralled morning. It is about community and accountability-- the former meaning a space where we can all be, the latter meaning that we recognize that, across lines of power in particular, community doesn't mean "a space I get to be without thought and awareness."
Subtle, in the sense of oxygen (or maybe carbon monoxide is the better metaphor?)
100%
Ohhh that last line is so helpful. A brilliant woman I know speaks of how whiteness is embodied in a deep resistance to discomfort, in more than simply a white fragility way, but in the sense that the most progressive among us might be limited to dreaming that everyone could feel the frictionlessness and unearned comfort of white men. When instead we need to dream that everyone has close enough relationships to feel trusted not despite, but through, accountability. (Separately - I adore your daughter’s planets dress!)