I keep thinking this morning of my own experience getting raped by an otherwise kind, artistic, charismatic, politically radical, older guy when I was 17. There was alcohol involved on both sides. And, I truly believe, there was clueless entitlement but no malice. But it was still rape, which I named for him forcefully several weeks later when he tried to characterize the whole thing as "that special time we spent together." FFS.
I still know this guy. I know his wife and kids. His younger sister is one of my best friends. I've long since grappled with the amount of good history between us that is just as important to me as that one horrible, horrible choice he made. I don't think it makes him an entirely shitty person or a write-off as a human being. But my nuanced personal feelings about him after all this time don't change that I wouldn't fucking vote for him. And if he ran for something, I'd have to say something.
Oh man, it sucks so much. I've been sitting with this for the last couple days now, especially knowing you, and therefore knowing the complexity, wisdom and pain of it all. I then think of the exponential number of survivors for whom the relationship with their assailant is just as knotty, and how the burden ends up being on you to decide where to calibrate the relationship/burn it all down dial.
Yeah, knotty is a good way to put it. Not to mention the victim-blaming calculation. Like, how do I acknowledge any risky behaviors that were involved for my own sense of integrity in storytelling without inviting in the “it takes two” commentary? How much gorey detail do I have to get into to make myself a perfect victim without completely sacrificing my own privacy?
Do I have to explicitly state that I was passed out cold? Does that make it more palatable to name me victim or less? And why should I have to tell any details at all? I was there. I know what happened. But somehow I am not a trusted source regarding my own violation.
That last part is when I get to the burn it all down place.
Thank you for sharing this awful experience and the ongoing struggle, Asha. I remember having similar feelings when Kavanaugh was being confirmed, thinking about my own experiences and how fully I wanted to burn it all down at the thought of the perpetrator ever gaining power over other people.
These days I feel trapped in the politics of "least awful" choices who are electable. I want Jed and Abby in the White House, although I'd certainly work for Michelle and Barak.
Pronouncements terrify me, because the exceptions can be so awful. "Always believe the woman who is brave enough to publicly name her abuser" except when she is paid huge bucks to do it just before an election, or as an 11 year old who decided she knew how to "get" her stepdad because he refused to allow her to go to a frat party. Don't believe her and you get Clarence and Brett in invincible positions.
Decide that the fascist is not as bad as the racist, and Anti Semitism, Anti-Catholicism and Anti LGBTQ+ are in the cross-hairs. Decide that the fascist is worse, and not quite white enough becomes the ruling ethos.
Trust the media of your historical choice and you find it's been bought or threatened into submission. Don't trust media and become the ostrich who fails to act or speak until it truly is too late. OTOH, take the time to ponder and evaluate and find that "that ship has already sailed."
Perhaps all we really can do is keep building and extending community where we actually see and know each other and truly have each other's back.
I love all the complicated questions and imperfections choices, Gail, and how messy it is but also (as you articulated in your last sentence) what that means for a path forward.
It's the path I didn't know I was blindly on but didn't realize how much I needed until you taught us the methodology. BTW, in my very RIGHT neighborhood, I still check in on my tiny sticker wrapped around the pole of our stop sign...Trump and Musk truly don't like us.
I love all of this, every word, with no excuses for the current situation or other similar situations. We do deserve all of that. I also think we need to recognize that it is increasingly difficult for anyone, especially non-white males, to throw their whole being into running. No matter how “squeaky” clean, the media, social media, and just about everyone else will chew you up and down and sideways. Fortunately, we have many good people willing to do so, and communities willing to step up and support them, but it’s not enough under the current system. Candidates need a better support system. You’ve painted what that can look like on the constituent side by listing what we deserve, but what does it look like for the type of candidate we deserve and how do We the People take greater responsibility in uplifting their journey to Election Day beyond our current methods?
Great last question. One thing I've been thinking a lot about, in the last few days, is how important it is to change the paradigm, in finding candidates, from "what individual is the best on paper central casting choice" to "what organizer is most respected/admired by others who've done this work?" I'm really haunted by this line, from the Times profile of the Platner campaign, of the consultants coming in, getting so infatuated with his image/voice and telling him immediately "you're the hero of the movement" and "you'll lead a revolution.
"the countless times I’ve witnessed wives, mothers and female colleagues asked to defend the worst behavior from men for the sake of a bigger cause." <-- been having this exact conversation with people about other men, some specific ones with large platforms and even larger voices and abhorrent private behavior, regularly over the last few years. Thank you for saying it out loud. I'd like to see a sea change in this.
For the class issues and elevating the one guy who sounds enough like a Super Bowl ad, I think the line I found during Montana's recent primary is "charismatic megafauna." Sorry! But I do think there's a similar psychological nudge at play in politics as in conservation.
Also, I know just a bit of some of the conversations you've had to help guide, and even with just that partial trickle I hope you know how much love I'm sending.
I'm not the only one who feels your support. Thank you 💚
And yeah, seriously, it's a little over the top but "charismatic megafauna" really is what came to mind watching the way that certain candidates are promoted over others. They might be perfectly good! But they're promoted for reasons that don't have to do with their eventual efficacy or even ability to win an election.
There's a very specific race that's probably on both of our minds here in Montana that I honestly have not weighed in on because I've got nothing against the guy (and he may be great) but the particular image making (including a more simplistic class story than is actually the case) is just so predictable!
I'm sure we're thinking of the same person, and yes on the creation of a class story that isn't actually what's reality, and I have heard some things from someone who worked on that campaign that make me wary.
Thank you Garrett. You and Tressie McMillan Cottam are touchstones on this candidate and the many issues around and beyond (seeking out Rebecca Traister's piece later).
Thanks also for always leading with love of community. I'm at a community event today covering a stand for someone else who couldn't attend. It's hot (day eleventy of the latest heat wave), I'm grumpy, yadda yadda.
But...there are people here of all ages. Kids running around, elders moving more slowly. Retired men demonstrating woodturning. Women (and men) from the Saturday amateur music group and art club. The local history society and the church youth group have stalls too. The ice cream cart has been doing a brisk trade. And actually, I'm exactly where I'm meant to be to rediscover some joy today.
I keep thinking this morning of my own experience getting raped by an otherwise kind, artistic, charismatic, politically radical, older guy when I was 17. There was alcohol involved on both sides. And, I truly believe, there was clueless entitlement but no malice. But it was still rape, which I named for him forcefully several weeks later when he tried to characterize the whole thing as "that special time we spent together." FFS.
I still know this guy. I know his wife and kids. His younger sister is one of my best friends. I've long since grappled with the amount of good history between us that is just as important to me as that one horrible, horrible choice he made. I don't think it makes him an entirely shitty person or a write-off as a human being. But my nuanced personal feelings about him after all this time don't change that I wouldn't fucking vote for him. And if he ran for something, I'd have to say something.
SIGH. So often this timeline freakin' SUCKS.
Oh man, it sucks so much. I've been sitting with this for the last couple days now, especially knowing you, and therefore knowing the complexity, wisdom and pain of it all. I then think of the exponential number of survivors for whom the relationship with their assailant is just as knotty, and how the burden ends up being on you to decide where to calibrate the relationship/burn it all down dial.
Yeah, knotty is a good way to put it. Not to mention the victim-blaming calculation. Like, how do I acknowledge any risky behaviors that were involved for my own sense of integrity in storytelling without inviting in the “it takes two” commentary? How much gorey detail do I have to get into to make myself a perfect victim without completely sacrificing my own privacy?
Do I have to explicitly state that I was passed out cold? Does that make it more palatable to name me victim or less? And why should I have to tell any details at all? I was there. I know what happened. But somehow I am not a trusted source regarding my own violation.
That last part is when I get to the burn it all down place.
Thank you for sharing this awful experience and the ongoing struggle, Asha. I remember having similar feelings when Kavanaugh was being confirmed, thinking about my own experiences and how fully I wanted to burn it all down at the thought of the perpetrator ever gaining power over other people.
🫶💪✊
These days I feel trapped in the politics of "least awful" choices who are electable. I want Jed and Abby in the White House, although I'd certainly work for Michelle and Barak.
Pronouncements terrify me, because the exceptions can be so awful. "Always believe the woman who is brave enough to publicly name her abuser" except when she is paid huge bucks to do it just before an election, or as an 11 year old who decided she knew how to "get" her stepdad because he refused to allow her to go to a frat party. Don't believe her and you get Clarence and Brett in invincible positions.
Decide that the fascist is not as bad as the racist, and Anti Semitism, Anti-Catholicism and Anti LGBTQ+ are in the cross-hairs. Decide that the fascist is worse, and not quite white enough becomes the ruling ethos.
Trust the media of your historical choice and you find it's been bought or threatened into submission. Don't trust media and become the ostrich who fails to act or speak until it truly is too late. OTOH, take the time to ponder and evaluate and find that "that ship has already sailed."
Perhaps all we really can do is keep building and extending community where we actually see and know each other and truly have each other's back.
I love all the complicated questions and imperfections choices, Gail, and how messy it is but also (as you articulated in your last sentence) what that means for a path forward.
It's the path I didn't know I was blindly on but didn't realize how much I needed until you taught us the methodology. BTW, in my very RIGHT neighborhood, I still check in on my tiny sticker wrapped around the pole of our stop sign...Trump and Musk truly don't like us.
I love all of this, every word, with no excuses for the current situation or other similar situations. We do deserve all of that. I also think we need to recognize that it is increasingly difficult for anyone, especially non-white males, to throw their whole being into running. No matter how “squeaky” clean, the media, social media, and just about everyone else will chew you up and down and sideways. Fortunately, we have many good people willing to do so, and communities willing to step up and support them, but it’s not enough under the current system. Candidates need a better support system. You’ve painted what that can look like on the constituent side by listing what we deserve, but what does it look like for the type of candidate we deserve and how do We the People take greater responsibility in uplifting their journey to Election Day beyond our current methods?
Great last question. One thing I've been thinking a lot about, in the last few days, is how important it is to change the paradigm, in finding candidates, from "what individual is the best on paper central casting choice" to "what organizer is most respected/admired by others who've done this work?" I'm really haunted by this line, from the Times profile of the Platner campaign, of the consultants coming in, getting so infatuated with his image/voice and telling him immediately "you're the hero of the movement" and "you'll lead a revolution.
Love your insights, since Ezra Klein's potluck.
The fourth horseman is definitely racism!
Thanks Leslie!
"the countless times I’ve witnessed wives, mothers and female colleagues asked to defend the worst behavior from men for the sake of a bigger cause." <-- been having this exact conversation with people about other men, some specific ones with large platforms and even larger voices and abhorrent private behavior, regularly over the last few years. Thank you for saying it out loud. I'd like to see a sea change in this.
For the class issues and elevating the one guy who sounds enough like a Super Bowl ad, I think the line I found during Montana's recent primary is "charismatic megafauna." Sorry! But I do think there's a similar psychological nudge at play in politics as in conservation.
Oh my God "charismatic megafauna."
Also, I know just a bit of some of the conversations you've had to help guide, and even with just that partial trickle I hope you know how much love I'm sending.
I'm not the only one who feels your support. Thank you 💚
And yeah, seriously, it's a little over the top but "charismatic megafauna" really is what came to mind watching the way that certain candidates are promoted over others. They might be perfectly good! But they're promoted for reasons that don't have to do with their eventual efficacy or even ability to win an election.
There's a very specific race that's probably on both of our minds here in Montana that I honestly have not weighed in on because I've got nothing against the guy (and he may be great) but the particular image making (including a more simplistic class story than is actually the case) is just so predictable!
I'm sure we're thinking of the same person, and yes on the creation of a class story that isn't actually what's reality, and I have heard some things from someone who worked on that campaign that make me wary.
I needed this today, thanks Garrett.
Means a lot, Sara, since it was definitely one I needed to write for myself.
So well said, Garrett. Thank you.
Thanks Sam.
As per usual, thank you. 🙏🏼
Thank you for everything, Darci.
Thank you Garrett. You and Tressie McMillan Cottam are touchstones on this candidate and the many issues around and beyond (seeking out Rebecca Traister's piece later).
Thanks also for always leading with love of community. I'm at a community event today covering a stand for someone else who couldn't attend. It's hot (day eleventy of the latest heat wave), I'm grumpy, yadda yadda.
But...there are people here of all ages. Kids running around, elders moving more slowly. Retired men demonstrating woodturning. Women (and men) from the Saturday amateur music group and art club. The local history society and the church youth group have stalls too. The ice cream cart has been doing a brisk trade. And actually, I'm exactly where I'm meant to be to rediscover some joy today.