Months (?) ago I came across a quote that made me think of you, Garrett, and this seems to be as good a time to share it as any. I shared it with my mom following a rant she went on about Business Meeting recently, and her response was a sighing sort of, Amen!
"Community is built by doing inconvenient things with inconvenient people at inconvenient times."- Jody Day, Living the Life Unexpected.
Like many of us, I suspect, increasingly I like the idea of community more than the reality of it. It's so messy and inconvenient and uncomfortable and often boring or irksome, which isn't to suggest that it isn't also often joyful and fun and surprising and enlivening. But we have become so used to being able to retreat-- into our phones, behind the walls of our houses-- in the face of anything uncomfortable that we've thrown the baby out with the bathwater. When was the last time we just sat on our porch steps, smiled at passersby, and waved to the neighbors? When was the last time we struck up a random conversation in a line while waiting anywhere, really? Sometimes I feel like the first best step might just be to embrace those things again. Put yourself outside-- in your yard, on your porch, in a park, on a bench-- just to hang out and see what happens. Keep your phone in your pocket while waiting in any line and just observe people. Smile at random old ladies. Complement people's dogs or their outfits. Comment on the weather. Let it be awkward. Resist the retreat.
I am so glad for this comment first because it's true and secondly because for time and space reasons I kept this out of the draft but it's such an important point-- one of the reasons why I think it's crucial that we all learn and relearn the muscle of community building (especially when we're young but all through our life) is so that we realize why there's no shortcuts to it-- the annoyances and petty jealousies and dropped balls and miscommunications are part of it. And definitely not always in a romantic way! But we learn something from that in a way we never will in false circles of mutual gratification.
i agree w/ and appreciate so much of this piece but i want to gently push back on the blanket statement about youth sports! i feel really lucky to live in a community where my kids participate in a sports culture (little league and middle volleyball) that, for the most part, is pretty damn chill and positive, and is also a site of major bonding and IRL friendships. for sure there's some toxic dad energy but i've been coaching my son's little league teams for several years and i love it. it doesn't have to be all hyper-competitive travel leagues—i know that's definitely A Thing but the framing in this piece (and the linked Substack piece) feels really absolute and dire, like youth sports is no longer an option for the kinds of community building our kids need.
Kate I absolutely love that you've found leagues that are supportive and that nurture community-- I know others who have as well. I do think that, writ large, the broader shift away from local "let's just play for fun" clubs and towards expensive and time consuming travel leagues (AAU, ODP, etc.) has been a net negative-- for family finances, for kids' and families ability to build and nurture community in a wide variety of ways, for a healthy relationship to the sport, etc. And I don't blame families here-- if your kid loves the sport and is good at it, of course you want to say yes to the next step up. I also know that, in a world where we don't have universal college, the dangled promise of D1 Scholarships and college admissions is really meaningful. We all deserve better than this! I just worry that, in a lot of cases (it sounds like not for you and your kids, which is incredible) we've lost a right sized (and financially/time sound) relationship to what should be a wonderful part of childhood (playing on a team with pals).
But more importantly (and I do appreciate the gentle pushback) I bet where we'd both agree is that sports can be an incredible tool/connective point for kids and their parents, and that like all things those efforts aren't helped when the money to be made (for those trying to profit off our love of the games) gets bigger. Sports themselves are great though!
This is a wonderful piece that reminds me that the time I'm spending in my current volunteer role helping build spaces for young people in scouting is important.
We are currently in the middle of redeveloping a program with an eye on making it more inclusive and intentionally building a space where primarily young people can connect and develop more meaningful friendships. It's a change from what was done previously, and because of that, the blowback from traditionalists has been intense, but this is reinforcing why I need to maintain that courage and move forward with the work.
I'm going to share this with a colleague in the committee we both sit on.
Ted, not to put you on the spot, but I've long admired the work you do with the scouts for a lot of reason, but one of them is that you do so as a non-parent. Do you have any advice on getting involved in activities for/with youth when you don't have "your own" kid in that activity?
Scouts worked well for me due to my experience in it as a youth.
If I would get involved in another organization, I would probably start helping out in spaces where there is clearly a need. With sports, I'd be looking at coaches or refs. With other groups, my guess is fundraising. If you are willing to do the work that other folks might shy away from, that probably is a good way to break in.
Finding those places that share your values is really key, because when it gets tough (and I suspect it will) that's something you can all find as common ground.
Months (?) ago I came across a quote that made me think of you, Garrett, and this seems to be as good a time to share it as any. I shared it with my mom following a rant she went on about Business Meeting recently, and her response was a sighing sort of, Amen!
"Community is built by doing inconvenient things with inconvenient people at inconvenient times."- Jody Day, Living the Life Unexpected.
Like many of us, I suspect, increasingly I like the idea of community more than the reality of it. It's so messy and inconvenient and uncomfortable and often boring or irksome, which isn't to suggest that it isn't also often joyful and fun and surprising and enlivening. But we have become so used to being able to retreat-- into our phones, behind the walls of our houses-- in the face of anything uncomfortable that we've thrown the baby out with the bathwater. When was the last time we just sat on our porch steps, smiled at passersby, and waved to the neighbors? When was the last time we struck up a random conversation in a line while waiting anywhere, really? Sometimes I feel like the first best step might just be to embrace those things again. Put yourself outside-- in your yard, on your porch, in a park, on a bench-- just to hang out and see what happens. Keep your phone in your pocket while waiting in any line and just observe people. Smile at random old ladies. Complement people's dogs or their outfits. Comment on the weather. Let it be awkward. Resist the retreat.
I am so glad for this comment first because it's true and secondly because for time and space reasons I kept this out of the draft but it's such an important point-- one of the reasons why I think it's crucial that we all learn and relearn the muscle of community building (especially when we're young but all through our life) is so that we realize why there's no shortcuts to it-- the annoyances and petty jealousies and dropped balls and miscommunications are part of it. And definitely not always in a romantic way! But we learn something from that in a way we never will in false circles of mutual gratification.
i agree w/ and appreciate so much of this piece but i want to gently push back on the blanket statement about youth sports! i feel really lucky to live in a community where my kids participate in a sports culture (little league and middle volleyball) that, for the most part, is pretty damn chill and positive, and is also a site of major bonding and IRL friendships. for sure there's some toxic dad energy but i've been coaching my son's little league teams for several years and i love it. it doesn't have to be all hyper-competitive travel leagues—i know that's definitely A Thing but the framing in this piece (and the linked Substack piece) feels really absolute and dire, like youth sports is no longer an option for the kinds of community building our kids need.
Kate I absolutely love that you've found leagues that are supportive and that nurture community-- I know others who have as well. I do think that, writ large, the broader shift away from local "let's just play for fun" clubs and towards expensive and time consuming travel leagues (AAU, ODP, etc.) has been a net negative-- for family finances, for kids' and families ability to build and nurture community in a wide variety of ways, for a healthy relationship to the sport, etc. And I don't blame families here-- if your kid loves the sport and is good at it, of course you want to say yes to the next step up. I also know that, in a world where we don't have universal college, the dangled promise of D1 Scholarships and college admissions is really meaningful. We all deserve better than this! I just worry that, in a lot of cases (it sounds like not for you and your kids, which is incredible) we've lost a right sized (and financially/time sound) relationship to what should be a wonderful part of childhood (playing on a team with pals).
But more importantly (and I do appreciate the gentle pushback) I bet where we'd both agree is that sports can be an incredible tool/connective point for kids and their parents, and that like all things those efforts aren't helped when the money to be made (for those trying to profit off our love of the games) gets bigger. Sports themselves are great though!
This is a wonderful piece that reminds me that the time I'm spending in my current volunteer role helping build spaces for young people in scouting is important.
We are currently in the middle of redeveloping a program with an eye on making it more inclusive and intentionally building a space where primarily young people can connect and develop more meaningful friendships. It's a change from what was done previously, and because of that, the blowback from traditionalists has been intense, but this is reinforcing why I need to maintain that courage and move forward with the work.
I'm going to share this with a colleague in the committee we both sit on.
Ted, not to put you on the spot, but I've long admired the work you do with the scouts for a lot of reason, but one of them is that you do so as a non-parent. Do you have any advice on getting involved in activities for/with youth when you don't have "your own" kid in that activity?
Scouts worked well for me due to my experience in it as a youth.
If I would get involved in another organization, I would probably start helping out in spaces where there is clearly a need. With sports, I'd be looking at coaches or refs. With other groups, my guess is fundraising. If you are willing to do the work that other folks might shy away from, that probably is a good way to break in.
Finding those places that share your values is really key, because when it gets tough (and I suspect it will) that's something you can all find as common ground.