Months (?) ago I came across a quote that made me think of you, Garrett, and this seems to be as good a time to share it as any. I shared it with my mom following a rant she went on about Business Meeting recently, and her response was a sighing sort of, Amen!
"Community is built by doing inconvenient things with inconvenient people at inconvenient times."- Jody Day, Living the Life Unexpected.
Like many of us, I suspect, increasingly I like the idea of community more than the reality of it. It's so messy and inconvenient and uncomfortable and often boring or irksome, which isn't to suggest that it isn't also often joyful and fun and surprising and enlivening. But we have become so used to being able to retreat-- into our phones, behind the walls of our houses-- in the face of anything uncomfortable that we've thrown the baby out with the bathwater. When was the last time we just sat on our porch steps, smiled at passersby, and waved to the neighbors? When was the last time we struck up a random conversation in a line while waiting anywhere, really? Sometimes I feel like the first best step might just be to embrace those things again. Put yourself outside-- in your yard, on your porch, in a park, on a bench-- just to hang out and see what happens. Keep your phone in your pocket while waiting in any line and just observe people. Smile at random old ladies. Complement people's dogs or their outfits. Comment on the weather. Let it be awkward. Resist the retreat.
I am so glad for this comment first because it's true and secondly because for time and space reasons I kept this out of the draft but it's such an important point-- one of the reasons why I think it's crucial that we all learn and relearn the muscle of community building (especially when we're young but all through our life) is so that we realize why there's no shortcuts to it-- the annoyances and petty jealousies and dropped balls and miscommunications are part of it. And definitely not always in a romantic way! But we learn something from that in a way we never will in false circles of mutual gratification.
I am going to write “resist the retreat” on a sticky note and keep it in front of face for a while. Thank you for this. I needed the reminder that, even though hiding in my house being introverted with my pre-teen daughters is comfy and cozy, it may not be what we or the world needs.
This is a wonderful piece that reminds me that the time I'm spending in my current volunteer role helping build spaces for young people in scouting is important.
We are currently in the middle of redeveloping a program with an eye on making it more inclusive and intentionally building a space where primarily young people can connect and develop more meaningful friendships. It's a change from what was done previously, and because of that, the blowback from traditionalists has been intense, but this is reinforcing why I need to maintain that courage and move forward with the work.
I'm going to share this with a colleague in the committee we both sit on.
Ted, not to put you on the spot, but I've long admired the work you do with the scouts for a lot of reason, but one of them is that you do so as a non-parent. Do you have any advice on getting involved in activities for/with youth when you don't have "your own" kid in that activity?
May I answer this, too? I don't have kids but am a core volunteer and board member with a youth organization (Girls Rock). I do it because it's what I wish I had when I was a kid and didn't have. So to other non-parents, what did you wish you had? Start there!
Scouts worked well for me due to my experience in it as a youth.
If I would get involved in another organization, I would probably start helping out in spaces where there is clearly a need. With sports, I'd be looking at coaches or refs. With other groups, my guess is fundraising. If you are willing to do the work that other folks might shy away from, that probably is a good way to break in.
Finding those places that share your values is really key, because when it gets tough (and I suspect it will) that's something you can all find as common ground.
If anyone has a building I can use to build a youth center, please let me know.
My town had a really wonderful all-ages club that also hosted after-school programs, and they lost their lease so their building could get knocked down for luxury apartments. I miss it all the time and we need it so badly. Here is one of the many problems with trying to build community in late-stage capitalism: the people who own everything are big selfish jerks who don't want to do anything cool or helpful with their stuff. Meanwhile the rest of us are full of cool and helpful ideas for stuff we can't afford. :/
I've started to get really interested in empty churches (as mainstream churches decline in a lot of areas). Not an easy, simple answer, but my hunch is there's something there
That need for community isn't new for teens, albeit way more critical. The kids who came through our local youth group, with regional events on a regular basis have stayed connected across life and geographic changes. They continue to support each other through really tough life events and celebrate the triumphs. I marvel at their ability to use social media to maintain that community. Chaperoning, driving and then leading the group until my back could no longer do sleeping bags on hard floors might be the most rewarding work I ever did. Almost 30 years later these kiddos are passing that sense of connection and community on to their children.
I'm blown away by the effectiveness of their grapevine. Our long since emeritus local rabbi died and we heard it from our kids around the country before the congregation was able to get the news to us (and those who possibly could showed up on less than 24 hours notice for the funeral--we're talking 40-55 year olds. Where's that green eyed emoji when you need it; I'm definitely envious!
i agree w/ and appreciate so much of this piece but i want to gently push back on the blanket statement about youth sports! i feel really lucky to live in a community where my kids participate in a sports culture (little league and middle volleyball) that, for the most part, is pretty damn chill and positive, and is also a site of major bonding and IRL friendships. for sure there's some toxic dad energy but i've been coaching my son's little league teams for several years and i love it. it doesn't have to be all hyper-competitive travel leagues—i know that's definitely A Thing but the framing in this piece (and the linked Substack piece) feels really absolute and dire, like youth sports is no longer an option for the kinds of community building our kids need.
Kate I absolutely love that you've found leagues that are supportive and that nurture community-- I know others who have as well. I do think that, writ large, the broader shift away from local "let's just play for fun" clubs and towards expensive and time consuming travel leagues (AAU, ODP, etc.) has been a net negative-- for family finances, for kids' and families ability to build and nurture community in a wide variety of ways, for a healthy relationship to the sport, etc. And I don't blame families here-- if your kid loves the sport and is good at it, of course you want to say yes to the next step up. I also know that, in a world where we don't have universal college, the dangled promise of D1 Scholarships and college admissions is really meaningful. We all deserve better than this! I just worry that, in a lot of cases (it sounds like not for you and your kids, which is incredible) we've lost a right sized (and financially/time sound) relationship to what should be a wonderful part of childhood (playing on a team with pals).
But more importantly (and I do appreciate the gentle pushback) I bet where we'd both agree is that sports can be an incredible tool/connective point for kids and their parents, and that like all things those efforts aren't helped when the money to be made (for those trying to profit off our love of the games) gets bigger. Sports themselves are great though!
The fact that Charlie Kirk was a self-professed right wing political personality seems to trap us into trying to frame the motivation of his killer into a political binary when there is little evidence the accused had strong political ideology of any kind. That is the insidious danger of spending time in the algorithmic world, we become limited in our understanding of others and try to force explanations for their choices into a small number of categorical boxes. It is understandably disspiriting for people, especially young people, to find themsleves not fitting into neat categories and when that leads to hopelessness and/or desperation it can go very badly. I believe the more you are exposed to variety, nuance, and complexity in individuals, the less likely you are to view unique nuances in yourself as personal failure.
Months (?) ago I came across a quote that made me think of you, Garrett, and this seems to be as good a time to share it as any. I shared it with my mom following a rant she went on about Business Meeting recently, and her response was a sighing sort of, Amen!
"Community is built by doing inconvenient things with inconvenient people at inconvenient times."- Jody Day, Living the Life Unexpected.
Like many of us, I suspect, increasingly I like the idea of community more than the reality of it. It's so messy and inconvenient and uncomfortable and often boring or irksome, which isn't to suggest that it isn't also often joyful and fun and surprising and enlivening. But we have become so used to being able to retreat-- into our phones, behind the walls of our houses-- in the face of anything uncomfortable that we've thrown the baby out with the bathwater. When was the last time we just sat on our porch steps, smiled at passersby, and waved to the neighbors? When was the last time we struck up a random conversation in a line while waiting anywhere, really? Sometimes I feel like the first best step might just be to embrace those things again. Put yourself outside-- in your yard, on your porch, in a park, on a bench-- just to hang out and see what happens. Keep your phone in your pocket while waiting in any line and just observe people. Smile at random old ladies. Complement people's dogs or their outfits. Comment on the weather. Let it be awkward. Resist the retreat.
I am so glad for this comment first because it's true and secondly because for time and space reasons I kept this out of the draft but it's such an important point-- one of the reasons why I think it's crucial that we all learn and relearn the muscle of community building (especially when we're young but all through our life) is so that we realize why there's no shortcuts to it-- the annoyances and petty jealousies and dropped balls and miscommunications are part of it. And definitely not always in a romantic way! But we learn something from that in a way we never will in false circles of mutual gratification.
I am going to write “resist the retreat” on a sticky note and keep it in front of face for a while. Thank you for this. I needed the reminder that, even though hiding in my house being introverted with my pre-teen daughters is comfy and cozy, it may not be what we or the world needs.
Such a great mantra, isn’t it?
This is a wonderful piece that reminds me that the time I'm spending in my current volunteer role helping build spaces for young people in scouting is important.
We are currently in the middle of redeveloping a program with an eye on making it more inclusive and intentionally building a space where primarily young people can connect and develop more meaningful friendships. It's a change from what was done previously, and because of that, the blowback from traditionalists has been intense, but this is reinforcing why I need to maintain that courage and move forward with the work.
I'm going to share this with a colleague in the committee we both sit on.
Ted, not to put you on the spot, but I've long admired the work you do with the scouts for a lot of reason, but one of them is that you do so as a non-parent. Do you have any advice on getting involved in activities for/with youth when you don't have "your own" kid in that activity?
May I answer this, too? I don't have kids but am a core volunteer and board member with a youth organization (Girls Rock). I do it because it's what I wish I had when I was a kid and didn't have. So to other non-parents, what did you wish you had? Start there!
Yes! Great answer!
Scouts worked well for me due to my experience in it as a youth.
If I would get involved in another organization, I would probably start helping out in spaces where there is clearly a need. With sports, I'd be looking at coaches or refs. With other groups, my guess is fundraising. If you are willing to do the work that other folks might shy away from, that probably is a good way to break in.
Finding those places that share your values is really key, because when it gets tough (and I suspect it will) that's something you can all find as common ground.
Thanks for this, Ted!
If anyone has a building I can use to build a youth center, please let me know.
My town had a really wonderful all-ages club that also hosted after-school programs, and they lost their lease so their building could get knocked down for luxury apartments. I miss it all the time and we need it so badly. Here is one of the many problems with trying to build community in late-stage capitalism: the people who own everything are big selfish jerks who don't want to do anything cool or helpful with their stuff. Meanwhile the rest of us are full of cool and helpful ideas for stuff we can't afford. :/
I've started to get really interested in empty churches (as mainstream churches decline in a lot of areas). Not an easy, simple answer, but my hunch is there's something there
That need for community isn't new for teens, albeit way more critical. The kids who came through our local youth group, with regional events on a regular basis have stayed connected across life and geographic changes. They continue to support each other through really tough life events and celebrate the triumphs. I marvel at their ability to use social media to maintain that community. Chaperoning, driving and then leading the group until my back could no longer do sleeping bags on hard floors might be the most rewarding work I ever did. Almost 30 years later these kiddos are passing that sense of connection and community on to their children.
This is so great, Gail!
I'm blown away by the effectiveness of their grapevine. Our long since emeritus local rabbi died and we heard it from our kids around the country before the congregation was able to get the news to us (and those who possibly could showed up on less than 24 hours notice for the funeral--we're talking 40-55 year olds. Where's that green eyed emoji when you need it; I'm definitely envious!
i agree w/ and appreciate so much of this piece but i want to gently push back on the blanket statement about youth sports! i feel really lucky to live in a community where my kids participate in a sports culture (little league and middle volleyball) that, for the most part, is pretty damn chill and positive, and is also a site of major bonding and IRL friendships. for sure there's some toxic dad energy but i've been coaching my son's little league teams for several years and i love it. it doesn't have to be all hyper-competitive travel leagues—i know that's definitely A Thing but the framing in this piece (and the linked Substack piece) feels really absolute and dire, like youth sports is no longer an option for the kinds of community building our kids need.
Kate I absolutely love that you've found leagues that are supportive and that nurture community-- I know others who have as well. I do think that, writ large, the broader shift away from local "let's just play for fun" clubs and towards expensive and time consuming travel leagues (AAU, ODP, etc.) has been a net negative-- for family finances, for kids' and families ability to build and nurture community in a wide variety of ways, for a healthy relationship to the sport, etc. And I don't blame families here-- if your kid loves the sport and is good at it, of course you want to say yes to the next step up. I also know that, in a world where we don't have universal college, the dangled promise of D1 Scholarships and college admissions is really meaningful. We all deserve better than this! I just worry that, in a lot of cases (it sounds like not for you and your kids, which is incredible) we've lost a right sized (and financially/time sound) relationship to what should be a wonderful part of childhood (playing on a team with pals).
But more importantly (and I do appreciate the gentle pushback) I bet where we'd both agree is that sports can be an incredible tool/connective point for kids and their parents, and that like all things those efforts aren't helped when the money to be made (for those trying to profit off our love of the games) gets bigger. Sports themselves are great though!
The fact that Charlie Kirk was a self-professed right wing political personality seems to trap us into trying to frame the motivation of his killer into a political binary when there is little evidence the accused had strong political ideology of any kind. That is the insidious danger of spending time in the algorithmic world, we become limited in our understanding of others and try to force explanations for their choices into a small number of categorical boxes. It is understandably disspiriting for people, especially young people, to find themsleves not fitting into neat categories and when that leads to hopelessness and/or desperation it can go very badly. I believe the more you are exposed to variety, nuance, and complexity in individuals, the less likely you are to view unique nuances in yourself as personal failure.
This really resonates (and I've seen my own brain doing that kind of ideological sifting with the suspect).