The 2026 White Pages Guide To The Oscars
Movies! They still exist, even in awful moments. Phew.
WELCOME… friends, cinephiles and people who exclusively watch Youtube videos of silent Midwestern dads power washing their decks. The stars are out1 and the red2 carpet is packed3 for the most glamorous and least potluck-focused essay of the year… the annual White Pages Guide To The Oscars.
Here’s the deal. Every year, I watch the ten movies that were nominated for Best Picture. Because I am a professional, I do so in the manner the filmmakers intended (in twenty minute increments, usually while falling asleep). Afterwards, I write about them, here, for you all.
No, I don’t believe that the best picture race is the most pressing current event right now. But there’s something here, for any of us concerned with the long tail of stories we tell ourselves. Even with the death of the monoculture, movies are still fascinating cultural texts. They are big messy beasts— narratively, financially, logistically. Intentionally or not, they can’t help but say reflect and refract all the topics that animate our lives (gender, race, power, human fallibility, fascism, war, faith, community and its discontents, and, of course, sad dads).
Also, movies are things we enjoy, made (for now) by human beings, and if we are not pausing to appreciate every possible variety of creative miracle right now, then how will we keep dreaming of a better world than this one?
In case you’re wondering, my favorite film of 2025 wasn’t nominated for any Oscars, because the world still isn’t ready for what my girl Ann Lee has to say (namely: “yeah, you’ve tried traumatic 1700s sex, but have you tried founding a utopian anti-racist/feminist/furniture-centric religion where you get to yelp and spin around?? have you???).
Oh, and I know it’s only March, but I can already declare that the best film of this year will be this video of the Veronicas performing the Australian National Anthem with a live string section.
“I wanna, wanna, wanna get, get, get what I want, don't stop.” Still true, Veronicas, and I’m glad you’re saying it.
If you enjoy cinema-adjacent silliness and want more of it, I highly recommend the conversation about 2025 movies that Sarah Wheeler and I had on the greatest podcast in America4, This Week in Breeders .
And with that, we’re ready. We come to this place for magic. I try to steer clear of big time spoilers, but if you enjoy a tabula rasa movie-going experience and haven’t seen these films, maybe skip this one.
BUGONIA
What is this movie about, at least according to a guy who doesn’t know anything about film criticism? It’s about aliens, man, and the kind of dudes that might (reasonably or unreasonably) decide that they exist. It’s also about girl boss CEO culture and the last decade or so of the Internet and also about how life in exurban Atlanta can really go to your head if you aren’t careful. It’s directed by Yorgos Lanthimos, whose work generally gives me “Marilyn Manson Now Going Door To Door Trying to Shock People” vibes but maybe I’d get it if I I had gone to art school instead of Protesting Wars School (true fact: I studied Peace And Global Studies in undergrad, so I guess the fact that we’re in another war is proof that I should have studied harder).
Oh, this film was also about bees, for reasons that weren’t clear to me.
When the moon hits your eyes like a big pizza pie… THAT’S BUGONIA!
So, what’s the movies take, on whether aliens are real or not? I’m not gonna tell you, but remember back when, for a significant number of white Americans, the biggest thing to worry about, vis a vis our government, was whether they were lying to us about aliens. Man, what a trip.
What is its message for this political moment? I honestly don’t know! And I’m not sure the movie knows. This may be too spoiler-y, but for about two-thirds of its run time there was a pretty darn coherent idea being considered, but that was thrown out the window in the interest of hijinks. For real, your guess is as good as mine: Avoid conspiracy rabbit holes? Don’t be a high powered middle aged CEO who listens to Chappell Roan in the car and doesn’t give her employees enough paid leave? Save the Earth? Or do the opposite of that? Sadly, nobody will ever know.
Was this movie conceived by incredibly stoned juniors at Sarah Lawrence at three AM in the morning? Ok, bro, you know what would be totally sick? If [redacted].
How’s Emma Stone doing these days? I think she’s doing well, thanks for asking. She does not care whether I understand her movies or not.
What’s a bugonia? Oh, not much. What’s begonia with you?
F1
What is this movie about, at least according to a guy who doesn’t know anything about film criticism? FAST CARS, BABY! And men who don’t want to play by your rules, because… ugh, why won't you let me drive my fast car the way I want, mom? It’ll be FINE. JEEZ! What am I gonna do… crash?
Is there a crash? I mean… come on.
I thought you said there’d be no spoilers? My friends, that’s no spoiler. That’s a social contract. You think the motion picture F1 starring Brad Pitt as the bad boy of speedy automobile racing WOULDN’T have a car crash?
What is the name of Brad Pitt’s bad boy racing character who doesn’t play by the rules? Ok, I’m not going to look this up. I’m remembering Sonny. Maybe something like Sonny Blaze or Sonny Podcast. Maybe Sonny Creatine?
Were you right? I just went and looked it up. Sonny Hayes. I think I did pretty good. Creatine must have been his maiden name.
What is its message for this political moment? Man, don’t worry about it. Climate change? Wealth inequity? The United Arab Emirates, as a country that actually exists? Las Vegas, as the kind of city that should be shut down so that fast cars can drive around to the delight of rich people? Brad Pitt, as a guy we should be lionizing? Sorry, can’t hear you. I think my Batmobile is about to go through a tunnel. Oh shoot, you’re breaking up…
FRANKENSTEIN
